She Hate Me
Sometimes all I can do is scratch my head and wonder. I tend to be a guy that makes people laugh, a guy who makes things light and fun, a guy who doesn’t have anything malicious or hateful about him. So it bothers me when someone doesn’t like me. With that as background, a woman here has bypassed that awkward getting acquainted stage and advanced directly to “I hate you. I hate everything you say. I suspect everything you do. The world would be better if you were dead.” Ouch. Don’t pass go and don’t collect $200!
The fact that she despises me and I can’t figure out why is bad enough. What is worse, though, is the way this paralyzes me, the way it stresses me out. I have a headache and my stomach is in turmoil today, and I know it is because she is under my skin. I dread going to church, going to my office, making any decisions, taking any actions, because I KNOW there will be sarcastic criticism, no matter what. If ten people tell me today that they love and appreciate me, the only voice I have heard at the end of the day is her voice of hatred. Why is that? Am I that flawed or is this something others struggle with.
My dad tells me I just have to ignore her, just move on. Unfortunately, I’m not my dad. It matters to me that people like me. He doesn’t care. He loves being a pastor. I would give just about anything to be doing something else. I am so turned inside out that I don’t know where to go from here.
The fact that she despises me and I can’t figure out why is bad enough. What is worse, though, is the way this paralyzes me, the way it stresses me out. I have a headache and my stomach is in turmoil today, and I know it is because she is under my skin. I dread going to church, going to my office, making any decisions, taking any actions, because I KNOW there will be sarcastic criticism, no matter what. If ten people tell me today that they love and appreciate me, the only voice I have heard at the end of the day is her voice of hatred. Why is that? Am I that flawed or is this something others struggle with.
My dad tells me I just have to ignore her, just move on. Unfortunately, I’m not my dad. It matters to me that people like me. He doesn’t care. He loves being a pastor. I would give just about anything to be doing something else. I am so turned inside out that I don’t know where to go from here.
posted by Joe at 7:17 AM
5 Comments:
Joe,
Don't know if this applies, but after reading what you wrote, I'm thinking about Jesus' disciples after Pentecost. Jesus had told them that they were to wait in Jerusalem for the coming of the Spirit, then they would be his witnesses, "In Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria and to the ends of the earth."
However, after the Spirit came, the disciples remained in Jerusalem. It was only when persecution began that they finally did what Jesus had instructed them to do.
I've known you long enough to realize that being the pastor of a small congregation is probably not your thing. Maybe this persecution is happening to force you to leave "Jerusalem" and set out to do what Christ has truly called you to do.
On the other hand, you dad is right and unwarranted criticism is a part of being a pastor, so if you're going to survive you're going to have to not let this woman get to you.
Joe,
It does seem God is making a calling. I feel a stirring and my own work situation has become more stressful. I have a new boss who thinks I'm average to below average when, for 23 years prior, I have been rated as "Outstanding". The process seems slow and painful. There is another brother in church that is going through a similar thing.
As for you, pastors today seem to wear big bullseyes that shout "Shoot Me". I have no magic bullet for you or for me, the only thing I can say is that I believe God is stirring something in many folks, perhaps on a large scale although I don't know that. I just see it locally at this point. If, indeed, God is stirring, patience is the key word. "Patience" is not comforting, but you know our Lord, He strengthens our faith and it can be painful, just like you strengthening yourself at the gym.
Just know that you are not alone... Carry on, one step in front of another, in faith that you will be used.
A fellow traveller...
Mk
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