It's All About...

The song on my CD player right now says, "It's all about you, Jesus." I wonder how much of my life really is all about him. I seem to squeeze him in around all the other stuff that demands my attention on a daily basis. You know, important stuff like...sports, the internet, working out, newspapers, snacks, gossip, staring blindly into space. Why do I neglect so often that which I claim is of supreme importance?

The disciples said, "To whom would we go? You alone have the words of life." And yet I ask everyone I know their opinions, their advice, their take on things before I even pause to say, "What do you think Jesus?" It seems that I live a secular life and try to spiritualize things when the mood strikes me. Why is that?

Do I blame him for my state? Do I fear that if I really dive in, I'll be over my head? Do I just not have a clue? Am I simply human or am I simply making excuses?

The temptation is to do a Peter and ask, "What about him?" I really like it when I can compare my intimacy with God to a few select other people. But I'm not called to live out someone else's relationship with him, simply to follow him myself. So comparison is no good. Crud. I hate that! I have to stand there naked before him and admit that I've placed everything else first and see the hurt in his face, the rejection in his eyes. And that cuts. Or else I have to get up off my butt and seek him today.

Worth the Risk?

I've been reading a couple of books by Erwin McManus lately and I'm more convicted than ever that I've spent my adult life taking the path of least risk. I got my education in religion, so I've settled for positions of security in churches that don't challenge me and then I wonder why I feel so restless. God seems to be saying "STOP being so SAFE and get out on the edge a bit!" I am starting to try my wings, but it can be scary when you've been safe for so long. Whatever the next position is, though, it will have to include a strong missional element or I'll just keep looking.

Things continue to deteriorate here. A meeting has been called with the conference superintendent to air complaints and grievances against me. I think that between my lack of desire to be a pastor and our inability to understand one another philosophically and culturally, this might be my shortest stay ever. It is August. I'll be surprised if I'm still around here by the first of the year. I've never experienced a place where I'm the center of so much controversy. There have been conflicts through the years, but usually they're dealt with and we go on to become friends. Doesn't seem to be a possibility here. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder and it seems as if I offend someone just about every day. Short of a complete personality and wiring transplant with a removal of any and all passion, I'm not sure what I can do.

I'm listening to the latest Johnny Cash release, AmericanV: A Hundred Highways. What an amazing CD. There is so much haunting repentance and redemption in the lyrics and in his voice. Was never a big JC fan, but the stuff he did toward the end is just incredible. I recommend to everyone, country fan or not.

Peace of Christ.